When someone rubs you the wrong way at work, you have two choices: Go through or go around the person.

Have you ever worked with someone who continually stresses you, rubs you the wrong way, or just plain makes it harder for you to get your job done?

Dealing with difficult people is work as usual for many of us.

“This is the one thing that nobody ever mentions when you interview for a job: Joe down the hall who’s so difficult to work with, and how you as an employee will need to learn to deal with his moodiness,” explains Sandra A. Crowe, M.A., author of Since Strangling Isn’t an Option … Dealing with Difficult People—Common Problems and Uncommon Solutions.

Defining Difficult
Crowe notes much of the stress employees experience is not from the work they do, but from the people they work with.

One of the most common difficult types is the know-it-all.

“You know the type—they’re always boasting, strutting around, ‘Look at me, look at what I did, I’m right,’ ” she says.

Another tough character she calls the snail—a quiet person who seldom shares information with you, either because he or she is shy or introverted or believes hoarding information makes her powerful.

And there’s the person who talks constantly, or who never listens, or who can’t make commitments, or who constantly criticizes.

Then again, your own difficult person may be a breeze for others to work with. What makes someone “difficult” is usually influenced by several dynamics. For example, conflict may arise because of power issues between you and the other person, or because he or she reminds you of a controlling parent.

Strategic Solutions
Regardless of what’s contributing to the problem, there are two basic strategies you can take in dealing with a difficult person, according to Crowe:

1. Go through the person.
2. Go around the person.

The second approach may be the easiest.

“If you don’t have to go directly through the person to get something done, don’t,” she explains. “Instead, go around him or her to the manager or a colleague he or she works with.”

If your only choice is to work directly with the person, then negotiation is in order.

‘Carefront,’ Don’t Confront
“Avoid a confrontation,” Crowe warns. “When you push up against people, they’re likely to push back, which only causes the difficult behavior to worsen.”

Instead, carefront the person. For example, in private you might say something like, “I’m not sure you’re aware of this, but I’ve observed that for nearly every meeting we’ve had in the past three weeks, you came half an hour late.”

“Ideally, you’re inviting the person to shift the approach to the situation, knowing the impact on you, the team, and the organization,” says Crowe.

Even a caring approach may not create the results you seek. In that case, focus on resolving your own internal conflict. After all, Crowe notes, the true cause of your distress is inside you. This is where stress-management techniques can help.

Polly Turner spoke with Sandra A. Crowe, M.A., author of Since Strangling Isn’t an Option … Dealing with Difficult People— Common Problems and Uncommon Solutions, Perigee Trade, 1999, $14.95.

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