Some talks are tough. To make them easier, focus on creating positive benefits for everyone involved.

The fellow in the next cubicle is spending hours playing computer games. A coworker is shouting in a customer’s ear. A woman you supervise is delivering sloppy work.

When you notice employees doing something wrong and ignoring it isn’t an option, you may want to confront them, point out their faults, and advise them what to do instead. But that’s almost guaranteed to lead to resistance.

The secret to reaching the other person and encouraging positive change is to gain their “buy in,” Mark Goulston writes in Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (New York: AMACOM, 2010). “Buy in” happens when the person moves from being resistant to considering what you have to say.

Before you start a difficult conversation, Goulston recommends, get your own thoughts and emotions under control and try to move from panic mode to solution mode. This way you’ll be more likely to say the right things. Next, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and start listening. When a person “feels felt,” Goulston explains, it can change the dynamics of your relationship and lead to cooperation.

In his book How to Tell Anyone Anything: Breakthrough Techniques for Handling Difficult Conversations at Work (New York: AMACOM, 2009), Richard S. Gallagher notes you can take the pain out of a difficult conversation by focusing on creating positive benefits for all involved. His book gives a step-by-step CANDID approach:

Compartmentalize the message to create a neutral opening. In the case of the shouting coworker, you might open with: “It can be difficult dealing with tough customer issues.” Begin the conversation slowly, from a safe place that causes no disagreement. Framing things according to your own experience or perspective using “I” can help keep things neutral, Gallagher notes.

Ask questions based on the person’s response. If the coworker replies, “And the customer never even read the manual” and adds that he suffers from recurring headaches, you might respond: “I’m sorry to hear that. How are you feeling now?” Be curious, not furious, Gallagher suggests.

Normalize the situation. For example, you might acknowledge how frustrating that kind of customer interaction can be. Let the person know this behavior happens to others, even you. Not that it’s appropriate—just that you understand it and it’s safe to talk about.

Discuss the details factually and neutrally without fixing blame. For example: “You know, Joe, shouting at someone risks losing him or her as a customer and can damage our company’s reputation.” This is your main point. Because you’ve completed the first three steps, the person is more likely to be open to hearing it. Phrases such as “What do you think?” will encourage the person to join in problem solving.

Incentivize the outcome. Make it clear that behavior change benefits the other person. For example: “If you'd like, I can share with you some ways I’ve handled similar situations in the past that can help ease the stress while also landing a sale.” People don’t change their behavior unless it has a tangible benefit for them, Gallagher contends.

Disengage from the discussion. Try changing the subject: “By the way, Joe, I’m looking forward to seeing the report of that great presentation you gave at the staff meeting.” Such a transition creates a more comfortable space, letting the person learn from the situation at his or her own pace.

When someone’s doing something wrong on the job, it’s not easy to forego blame and display empathy. But if you can do so, you’re more likely to achieve your communication goals.

Polly Turner is a feature writer for Vitality.

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