If you find yourself arguing over everything from what’s for dinner to who’s going to walk the dog, you need to find a better way to settle conflicts.

Every relationship has conflicts—even those that look perfect from the outside.

Given that disagreements are inevitable, learning how to resolve them in a healthy way can make or break the tenor and longevity of family, romantic, and even professional relationships.

What’s more, studies have found a correlation between marital satisfaction and good health. Happily married men and women have lower blood pressure, less stress, and less depression. Their risk for diseases of the heart and blood vessels appears to be lower, too.

Here are answers to some important questions on managing conflict.

How can I better manage conflicts with my partner?
A: Resolving conflicts amicably takes maturity and self-control. These strategies can help ease the process:

• Put your relationship first. Stay focused on maintaining and strengthening your relationship instead of winning an argument.
• Stay in the present. Bringing up old hurts or betrayals can keep you from seeing current issues clearly.
• Pick your battles. Ask yourself if what you’re fighting about is worth the time and energy. Life is too short to spend it fighting.
• Let it go. When you can’t agree on a solution, sometimes all you can do is agree to disagree. Be willing to let some issues go to keep the peace.

Are there ground rules for fighting fair?
A: Certainly, and here are some good places to start:

• Always be respectful. Make sure you attack the problem, not the person. Hitting below the belt by name-calling or bringing up issues your partner is particularly sensitive about can heighten mistrust and anger.
• Remain calm. Conflict can cause strong emotion and anger. Staying in control can help you stay rational and open to compromise.
• Avoid using words like “always” and “never” when describing your partner’s behavior. Such generalizations are likely not altogether true and can worsen tension.
• Don’t make assumptions about the other person’s point of view. Keep the discussion going to learn what he or she is really thinking.
• Work to see things from the other person’s perspective. Making that effort can go a long way toward resolving disagreements.
• Be specific. Vague accusations are hard to address. If you bring up an issue, make it clear what’s bothering you.
• Listen carefully. To make sure you’ve heard and understood correctly, restate what you’ve heard.

Where can we go for help?
A: Some communication problems are hard to solve on your own. Consider the following sources:

• A couples therapist. Marriage or couples counseling can help resolve difficult problems. Both parties must put in the energy and commitment needed to communicate honestly and make changes.
• An individual therapist. Sometimes one person has a specific problem, such as grief or substance abuse, that has to be solved before communication issues plaguing the couple can be worked out.
• A spiritual adviser. Couples who have a close and confidential relationship with a pastor, priest, rabbi, or other spiritual or religious leader may find his or her guidance useful.

Two people, even if they’re in love, will not agree on everything all the time. Learning to deal with inevitable conflicts in a healthy, compassionate way can keep your relationship strong and loving.

By Barbara Floria, senior writer for Vitality. For more information, visit www.helpguide.org.

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